Archive for September, 2007
Happiness is a warm thumb
Sep 28th
Skate fucking rocks. Loving that game now. It’s getting slowly addictive. If you can manage to tear yourself away from Halo 3 for a few hours i would highly recommend Skate.
It’s a shame that it’s come out in the same week as the biggest game ever for the 360 as it probably won’t get the recognition it deserves but i reckon it’s definitely going to be a sleeper hit and pick up pace when people get bored of Halo (yeah, yeah, i know, you’ll NEVER get bored of Halo and blah, blah, blah).
But i would strongly urge you get your mitts on skate, if even it’s just a rental. It’s well worth it coz it’s proper bostin’ (as the kids in the midlands say).
Thank the lord for freaks
Sep 27th
57 Things we know because we game
Sep 27th
I didn’t write this, i’m just plagiarising it from some other website that i’ve stumbled on coz i’m a bit bored at work, but it’s quite amusing anyway…
1. When you’re about to beat someone in a fight, they will rapidly flash between red and their normal skin tone.
2. Chickens are easy to pick up.
3. Tennis is really easy.
4. Hockey is almost entirely about checking and fist-fights.
5. Most people don’t say anything of interest.
6. On any given day, a 16-year old girl can beat up a gigantic bear, or an old man can beat up a robot.
7. The best way to open a container is to destroy it.
8. When you enter a town, the person closest to the entrance will welcome you to the town and tell you its name.
9. When driving, a full 360 flip is routine, provided you land wheels down.
10. Pay attention to shiny things.
11. All ninjas will try to kill you on sight. Unless said ninja is a super badass ninja who refuses to talk. That guy will run away after saying “…” But beware–he’ll be back.
12. Parachutes are standard issue for all soldiers, regardless of what they’re tasked with on the Battlefield.
13. Food heals all wounds.
14. Eating typically takes one or two seconds, and can usually be accomplished by standing on top of food.
15. If you run out of bullets, you die.
16. Everyone, everywhere, at anytime is capable of jumping at least 5 feet straight up.
17. Eating mushrooms can make you grow taller. Eating flowers let you shoot fireballs out of your hand.
18. Female martial artists are either little girls in Japanese school clothes, or scantily clad vixens with ginormous boobies.
19. The Web was basically built for people to play puzzle games and tower defense.
20. Windows sucks.
21. Your thumb is your most powerful weapon.
22. Pokemon, though vicious fighting animals, will only attack other Pokemon. Even the biggest, nastiest Pokemon won’t hurt a human.
23. Princess Peach really needs a security staff.
24. And so does Princess Zelda.
25. Most people don’t mind if you wander into their house unannounced. They also don’t care if you go rifling through their chests and barrels looking for items.
26. A large number of doors and gates are controlled by elaborate pulley systems involving statues and clay tablets.
27. Barrels with radioactive signs on the side will explode if shot.
28. Hemorrhaging head wounds can be healed by standing on top of any box with the red cross symbol on the side.
29. Bad guys and monsters tend to enjoy carrying around the same types of bullets your guns use, even if they themselves are not armed.
30. Big ass boobs are great. 3D big ass boobs with a proper physics engine behind them are even better.
31. Massive boobs do not, in anyway, interfere with physical and athletic performance.
32. Most cities, though appearing large, are composed of small alleys and single streets blocked off at both ends by garbage, fences, cars, or mysterious invisible barriers.
33. 90% of all doors are completely fake. They’re just painted onto the wall.
34. Solid Snake’s co-workers are completely incapable of shutting the f**k up.
35. Turtles come out of their shells if you press down hard on them. Additionally, turtle shells are really slick on the bottom, and thus they slide around on normal surfaces as though they were ice.
36. For the most part, jumping on something’s head will kill it. If it does not, then throwing a dead animal at the thing will do the job.
37. All adventures will take the protagonist through an “ice world.”
38. If you get poisoned, you won’t die as long as you stay still.
40. Grenades are easy to locate in major metropolitan areas. And in fields. And in suburbs. And in airbases. And in hotels. And on the bus. And in schools. But if you find grenades in a military base, they’re probably fake and don’t really exist.
41. 95% of all computers, desks, tables and chairs are exactly the same.
42. Killing people makes you stronger.
43. When someone dies, their body will decompose within 5 minutes of death.
44. Dead people, after decomposition, tend to leave behind weapons, food, or keys.
45. Bad guys like to build elaborate mazes around their headquarters.
46. The head guy involved in anything is usually trying to destroy the world.
47. Bad guy managers are usually far stronger than any of their underlings.
48. If a bad guy is really really big, you’ll have to flip a number of switches in order to damage him. These switches will always reset within 30 seconds of being hit, making Mr. Big Baddy invulnerable again.
49. The more you kill, the better the stuff you get.
50. All store owners will buy any old crap you have in your bag, no matter how much of it you own.
51. If in combat, your enemies will usually stand around and wait patiently as you go through your rucksack looking for your rocket launcher.
52. A knife in the back beats three bullets in the face.
53. When you go to bed at an inn, a 3-second jingle will play before you go to sleep..
54. Hedgehogs do not have blood flowing through their veins, but giant gold rings.
55. The greatest of warriors often communicates in childish aphorisms.
56. Clothing only comes in one size.
57. If you come across a locked door, you have to find the key, even if it’s a brittle piece of wood that a grenade should be able to obliterate.
Some guys have all the luck
Sep 27th
And some guys have the worst luck in the world.
HairOnFire from my band is still waiting for his XBox to come back. He’s already had it back once and that lasted a total of 5 days before the red lights re-appeared so off it goes and he’s again sat looking at a rectangular shape of dust on his table surrounded by wires connected to nothing.
But, MS understand the pain he’s going through and have sent him a free game; Perfect Dark Zero. I’m thinking there’s someone one there sat giggling to themselves seeing how far they can push him before he cracks, then kills someone then blames it on NOT playing games. Let’s see how the media deal with that little hot potato.
Aaaand, breathe out…
Sep 27th
Played Skate last night finally. While everyone and their dog is on Halo 3 i break away from the norm and play the better game.
Oh, it’s good. Damn good, but damn hard. Not frustratingly hard though i may add. It’s not something that makes you throw your controller at the screen, you just gotta line up those sweet grinds and plan your moves beforehand. It’s nothing like Tony Hawks where you glue yourself to the rail and mash the buttons while your balance holds out. You have to land the rail perfectly then grind for a small amount then plan where you’re going to go next.
I do like it but i think it’s a game where you need to play with someone else so you can pass the controller every now and then, my right thumb is rather raw today from flicking the stick all over the shop.
Suppose i should get halo 3 now seeing as everyone in the fucking world has got it. Maybe as well see what everyone is bitching on about.
How much??!!
Sep 26th
Halo 3 is reported to have made $140m on the first day of release. This is more than than any movie in history has made on its opening day.
Surely this is a prime candidate for the argument that games cost too bloody much. How the fuck can they justify taking that much money and not lowering the price of the game.
I’ll tell you why games cost so sodding much to us, the punter, in one word: licensing.
Whenever a games company makes a game, they pay the console company a licensing fee, which is normally a percentage of the game price.
This is why console games always cost a tenner more than pc games, coz you have to pay the frigging licensing cost.
Load of shite eh?
Clive Barker’s Jericho demo
Sep 25th
…is coming out on Thursday on XBL. Well, it is for the yanks, dunno about us. But it’s looking damn fine. Check this shit out.
And if you’ve ever read Books of Blood then you know what a sick little puppy Clive Barker actually is, so don’t expect this to be Barbie Horse Adventures 2.
Always a bonus in my book, gotta love that gore.
On a thought, if our generation is so desensitised to violence it’s makes you wonder what it’s going to be like for our kids, but that’s for a different blog entirely!
Ah, classic games
Sep 25th
Watched a documentary over the weekend called ‘The King of Kong‘. Absolutely great film. All about the world champion of Donkey Kong and the challenger trying to beat his record on it that he’s held since 1982.
Classic games were great. If you’ve never done it you want to get hold of M.A.M.E. and get hold of all the greats. I know modern games are wonderful and immersive but not one modern game of the last 10 years is as difficult as most of the arcade games in the 80′s. Most people’s game of Donkey Kong doesn’t last above 3 minutes. And Pac-Man; how many people can actually last over 10 minutes on that game? I certainly can’t.
Also the score was key, today’s games are a journey from A to B, there’s no real score as such. But the 80′s games were all about the score, getting your 3 letter initials on the illusive top 10 gave you immense bragging rights, especially if your local arcade was decent enough to save the scores when they turned the machines off.
Of course, growing up in Blackpool during the 80′s had its perks as i was down at the arcades every friday night with my £1.20 pocket money. 10p a game, 12 games, and that would keep me there for at least 2 and a half hours. The secret was to only play the games you could last a while on or if you were good at something, you could play street fighter and winner stays on. Also i was damn good at Dragon’s Lair II so 10p could easily last me half an hour. Completed that bugger eventually!
In case you’re too young to know half the games here’s a short list of the absolute pinnacle of classic games:
- Donkey Kong
- Pac-Man and all derivatives
- Crystal Castles
- Ghosts n Goblins
- Joust
- Marble Madness
- Commando
- 1942
- Gauntlet
- Combat School
I know i’ve missed a couple of belters but the list is just off the top of my head.
Also if you think you’re pretty good at a classic game try checking your score against the Twin Galaxies website that’s the official place for classic game scores. These guys are the absolute best in the world at any classic game you care to mention.
2 very funny ctrl-alt-del comics
Sep 24th
Click this one first, then click on next for the next days, you may have to look at that one for a few seconds to get the joke properly, or maybe it’s just because i’m not very observant…
In case of interest, break controller
Sep 24th
Before i forget, IGN gave Halo 3 9.5 out of 10 and 1UP gave it 10 out of 10 just in case anyone’s interested.
Interestingly enough the reader reviews give it 8.5 out of 10 but i think that’s because some people are being tossers and trying to upset the average; as is occasionally the case when the public is allowed to say what they want.
That’s why freedom of speech should only be granted to people over 25 who aren’t complete dickheads.
