Archive for December, 2007
Don’t do drugs kids
Dec 23rd
I haven’t seen The Legend of Dewey Finn but after seeing this i think i want to.
This particular clip tells of horrors of smoking weed…
Games to Movies
Dec 22nd
Ok, we all know most games to movies suck the shit out of a dead man’s arse. For every Tomb Raider (best one i can think of to be honest) there’s Doom, Street Fighter and Mario Bros.
Of course Hollywood still think they can do a decent game to movie so i present the list of movies coming out in 2008 based on games. A small handful of them you have to think that there’s no way they can get this wrong, the game has a kick-ass storyline, but this is Hollywood we’re talking about and they’ll bastardise anything any way they see fit. Lets face it, in retrospect how the hell can they get Hitman wrong? Answer: Throw in a love interest. Dickheads!
(A couple aren’t games but the list has been copied and pasted from IGN are it’s still interesting so i’ve kept it in there, i mean; an American version of Battle Royale?! Even bigger dickheads!
Edit: I’ve added my own comments where applicable
Alone in the Dark 2 – First one was wank, so i heard, did anyone actually see it?
American McGee’s Oz (Based on: American McGee’s Oz) – Could be good if done right
Area 51 (Based on: Area 51) – Wank
Battle Royale (U.S. version) – I’d rather wank off an old man who’s running his fingers through my hair at the time than watch this butchering of the best Asian movie ever made.
Biohazard: Degeneration
BloodRayne 2 (Based on: BloodRayne) – See Alone in the Dark
BloodRayne 3
Broken Sword – Might be ok, probably be wank
Castlevania (Based on: Castlevania) – Spunk bubble
Citizen Siege (Oddworld Movie) (Based on: Oddworld Adventures)
City of Heroes – Could be funny, if played seriously, wank.
Clock Tower (Based on: Clock Tower)
Crazy Taxi (Based on: Crazy Taxi) – Wank
Darkwatch (Based on: Darkwatch)
Death, Jr. (Based on: Death Jr.)
Deus Ex (Based on: Deus Ex) – Pretty cool
Devil May Cry (Based on: Devil May Cry)
Dragon’s Lair – Love Dragon’s Lair, but will be wank
Driver (Based on: Driver) – Empty, no storyline, lots of car chases and ultimately wank
Duke Nukem: The Movie (Based on: Duke Nukem) – bad as Doom
Eternal Darkness (Based on: Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem)
EverQuest – Baaaaaad
Far Cry (Based on: Far Cry) – Interesting, maybe
Fatal Frame (Based on: Fatal Frame)
Fear Effect (Based on: Fear Effect)
Gears of War (Based on: Gears of War) – Can’t be bad… can it?
Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure
God of War (Based on: God of War) – This is gonna kick some fucking greek ass. Don’t know who’ll play Kratos, maybe a whitened up Michael Clarke Duncan, suppose Gerard Butler might also be good, certainly got the presence of a greek god wannabe (Doing some research on IMDb it reckons that Djimon Hounsou will be Kratos)
Half-Life (Based on: Half-Life) – Ooh, now this is the interesting one… Edward Norton for Gordon…?
Halo (Based on: Halo: Combat Evolved) – Wank
Hunter: The Reckoning (Based on: Hunter: The Reckoning)
Jagged Alliance
Joust – Stupid
Kameo (Based on: Kameo: Elements of Power)
Kane & Lynch (Based on: Kane & Lynch: Dead Men) – One for the adults perhaps, or just like Hitman
Legend: Hand of God
Max Payne (Based on: Max Payne) – Impossible to fuck up
MechWarrior (Based on: MechWarrior)
Metal Gear (Based on: Metal Gear)
Metal Gear Solid (Based on: Metal Gear Solid) – Hmm, unsure
Metroid (Based on: Metroid)
Mortal Kombat (reboot film) (Based on: Mortal Kombat) – I enjoyed the first one, can’t really make it any better in my opinion
Nightmare Creatures (Based on: Nightmare Creatures)
Ninja Gold
Onimusha (Based on: Onimusha Blade Warriors)
Pac-Man (Based on: Pac-Man) – See Joust
Painkiller – See Doom
Prince of Persia (Based on: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time) – Will Smith as the Fresh Prince of Persia
Psi-Ops (Based on: Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy)
Resident Evil IV (Based on: Resident Evil) – Pick up the ball, now runnnnn
Return to Castle Wolfenstein (Based on: Return to Castle Wolfenstein)
Sabotage 1943
Silent Hill 2 – And the point is…?
The Sims (Based on: The Sims) – WTF
Soul Calibur (Based on: Soulcalibur)
Splinter Cell (Based on: Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell) – George Clooney for Sam Fisher?
Spy Hunter (Based on: Spy Hunter: Nowhere to Run) – The Rock is doing this one, high-octane wank.
Spyro – Kiddie Wank (not literally, obviously)
Street Fighter (New Version) (Based on: Street Fighter) – Jesus Christ
The Suffering (Based on: The Suffering) – Ooh, horror. Done delicately this could be goooood.
Tekken (Based on: Tekken) – Yeah coz Dead or Alive did so well in the box office
Tomb Raider III (Based on: Tomb Raider) – FFS
Untitled King of Kong Feature Film – Um, why?
Warcraft (Based on: Warcraft) – It was like a million fanboys all cried out at once, at then fell silent.
Zombie Massacre
Now how about that lapdance…
Dec 21st
Watched Death Proof last night. That’s the one off Grindhouse with Kurt Russell directed by Tarantino. If you still don’t know what film i’m talking about then you’re too uncool for school, baby.
A lot of people have criticised it for being too slow but i preferred to think of it as steady. There’s a lot of dialogue, a LOT. You know the scene in Reservoir Dogs where they’re all sat around the table having breakfast talking shite? Well most of Death Proof is like that. There’s scenes and scenes of the girls just talking amongst themselves. But the beauty of Tarantino is that whatever they’re saying, it’s still interesting. You don’t feel like you’re watching a movie as much as you’re sat there with them joining in with the chats. The conversation feels so natural between them.
And of course it’s not all just talk, talk, talk. There is some action. And there’s at least 4 places where you’ll wince loudly. And Kurt Russell is deliciously evil but with an interestingly lonely, vunerable side.
As you can probably tell, i really enjoyed it and the other movie on Grindhouse; ‘Planet Terror’ is supposed to be a lot better so i thought i’d watch the shitter one first. Glad I did.
Oh yeah, and the Grindhouse style scratches and bad edits are very well done.
I’m gonna rip off your head and shit down your throat
Dec 20th
From the 3D Realms website, at least they’ve got a sense of humour about the whole thing, but it’s getting to that point these days where people aren’t really caring any more. The jokes have come and gone, people are moving onto new stuff and the whole duke nukem debacle has just become a little bit pathetic.
There’s no way it can actually live up to it’s own hype and it certainly seems like an exercise in how not to make a game…
No, you cannot pre-order the game. If you see some online store saying “We are taking pre-orders”, they’re just trying to get your money (they usually also make up their own supposed “insider release date info”, too). There is no release date set, we are not taking pre-orders for the game. End of story.
Once we begin taking pre-orders, believe us, you’ll know about it.
The release date of this game is “When it’s done”. Anything else, and we mean anything else is someone’s speculation. There is no date. We don’t know any date. If you have a friend who claims they have “inside info”, or there’s some game news site, or some computer store at the mall who claims they know – they do not. They are making it up. There is no date. Period.
And yes, we know the game has taken a long time. There’s no possible joke you could make about the game’s development time that we haven’t already heard.
Definitely NSFW
Dec 19th
Quite possibly the strangest Jap superhero porn I’ve ever seen. It’s worth watching but if you’re at work then I’d suggest putting your hands around the screen or reducing the window or something:
http://mirror.servut.us/flash/Lesbian_Erotica_Queen_vs_Abnormal_Big_Tits_Moma_Ranger_–_CRPD198.swf
For Marvel’s Sake
Dec 19th
I really really hope this isn’t the new Marvel fighting game that i stuck a trailer up for a couple of months ago, coz if it is, it’s going to be proper shit.
Not just fake shit or even Diet Shit, it’ll be full-fat extra caffeine shit, with nutty bits and sweetcorn in it…
Oh, and it’s called Marvel Nemesis, apparently.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qlz6tOEHvIY&rel=1]
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Dec 19th
Here’s a post from the Marvel website on the upcoming Wolverine movie. It doesn’t tell you much but it’s more than you already know:
Hold on to your hats, mutant lovers! 20th Century Fox has released the following statement to update movie fans on “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” the highly anticipated X-prequel set to star Marvel’s lovable Canucklehead:
“‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ is set to star [Hugh] Jackman and will be directed by Gavin Hood (‘Tsotsi,’ ‘Rendition’). The producers are Lauren Shuler Donner and Ralph Winter (who produced all three previous ‘X-Men’ films), along with Jackman and his Seed Prods. producing partner, John Palermo. The film will be executive produced by Marvel Films’ Kevin Feige.
“Leading up to the events of ‘X-Men,’ ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’—written by David Benioff (‘The Kite Runner,’ ‘Troy’)—tells the story of Wolverine’s epically violent and romantic past, his complex relationship with Victor Creed, and the ominous Weapon X program. Along the way, Wolverine encounters many mutants, both familiar and new, including surprise appearances by several legends of the X-Men universe.”
We can’t wait! “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” is set for a May 1, 2009 release. Filming is scheduled to begin early next year in Australia and New Zealand. Check back here on Marvel.com for more updates on the film!
Bored, bored, bored
Dec 18th
Jeebus Chris i’m bored at the moment. Completed Mass Effect, completed The Simpsons. Tried to get further in Flatout: Ultimate Carnage but couldn’t as the difficulty is set to stupidly-fucking-impossible as default and you can’t change it.
Started playing Brunswick Pro Bowling on the Wii last night which is the biggest pile of shitty shit ever made. Clearly they’ve never heard of Motion Capture as your guy walks like a retarted headless chicken needing a poo. The ball spins whenever it decides to, it rolls down the alley at about 8 mph and strikes the pins with all the force of a marshmallow hitting a concrete bunker. Annoyingly Wii Sports Bowling is about 10 times better than this spasticated crap.
Why the fuck can’t they do an actual decent game for the Wii, i’ve lost interest in Mario Galaxy coz, like every other bloody Mario game since 64 the difficulty creeps up until it gets impossibly hard and frustrating as you get thrown back to the beginning of the level when you die, which you will, a lot!
Come to think of it, i haven’t actually completed one single game for the Wii since i bought it a year ago. That’s pretty poor that not one game has held my interest long enough to warrant completion!
Looks like i’m gonna be spending the next week updating and categorising my porn collection…
Now does ‘Adventures of a Midget Pimp Daddy’ go under Midgets or 70′s?
Manly Me
Dec 13th
I’m so manly, i installed a washing machine last night. My first ever. And the damn thing worked too so i did the old standing back with my arms folded watching it go round.
Aaaanyway, am still playing Mass Effect and it’s reeely gurd. Don’t think i’ve ever played an rpg where i actually give a shit about the characters and don’t press x to skip all the dialogue. And the shooting’s great as well. None of that turn-based 1D6 bollocks, you shoot someone, their energy drops. You get a head shot, they die, simple as that.
Hopefully this might actually be the first rpg i’ll ever play that i might complete. Hell i didn’t even complete Twilight Princess on the Wii and that was great (even the shaking of the nunchuck to attack, back then it was actually original).
If you’re looking for something during the xmas period to bring you back into that comfortable gaming bubble you all know and love, then mass effect will certainly provide that.
I’d go so far to say it’s better (yes, that’s better) than Oblivion. At least it’s not goblins, dragons and imps which have definitely been done to fucking death.
