Archive for March, 2008

Got hold of Dark Sector over the weekend so i’ve been playing that quite a bit.

It’s a 3rd person shooter (good so far), nice gfx, responsive gameplay (check and check), and your main weapon is a glaive which gives it a bit extra cool factor.

It’s boring at first as the glaive shoots out then comes back, so you may as well just shoot them with a gun instead. It’s only when you get to control the flightpath of it in slo-mo, that’s when the game suddenly becomes kick-ass, aim for the fuckers heads every time, and if you can get 2 or 3 in one path, oooooooh-yeeeeaaahhhh. Then you can charge it up with either electricity or fire. And there’s some underlying story about infected somethings or other, not really paying much attention to that part.

So far i’m enjoying it, and as Condemned 2 is currently making me want to chuck my controller through the screen so it’s a welcome relief.

So recommendations for March are:

Condemned 2: good to start with, gets frustratingly rock-solid later on, especially in the museum, it’s not a specifically tough section, the baddies are just too damn hard and they don’t go down.

Vegas 2: multiplayer is supposed to be great, single player just seems exactly like the first one, the ability to shoot through thin wood and whatnot doesn’t really come to fruition that often. It’s ok, it’s just nothing revolutionary like the first one was, ‘more of the same’ seems the best way to describe it quickly.

Sega Superstars Tennis: Just get Virtua Tennis 3, much much much better than this novelty pap.

Bully: A great game but it’s looking old these days and with GTA IV just around the corner it’s just too late. And it’s knackered, don’t forget that.

Viking: Great fun game, a tiny bit repetitive but there’s lots of hours of play there and i guarantee you’ll get at least couple of days solid gaming out of this without getting bored, you just may not return to it for about a week after that.

Dark Sector: Good so far, but i just hope it introduces a couple more factors to your weapons as what there is so far is good, but still needs that little bit more to keep the attention from waning.

Splinter Cell was supposed to be coming out tomorrow but that looks like it’s not going to happen again. Either the game will be a big pile of shit (read Assassin’s Creed) or the most amazing thing ever.

It seems i’ve been getting a few search results from the engines for the phrase ‘wank material’. Ok, let me get this straight, people actually type in ‘wank material’ into google, my old site on blogspot comes up as the 12th result, which then links to here.

Some people are just weird, surely they can think of better keywords for google to find free porn. Just to let you know this is a site for geeks and sad people who have to substitute going out with friends for playing video games on their own night after night, even though they’re mid-thirties and should have sacked that nonsense off long ago to wear cardigans, slippers and watch shite like Holby Blue.

Anyway, here’s a few keywords and titles to get you started if you’ve come here accidentally expecting porn:

“Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8″, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt Needs Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: the KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, and, uh, oh yeah, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”

Double no-prize if you’re actually in the know while reading the above.

The only porn you’re going to see here is the following, admit it, you’re staring a little longer than you should be and it is getting you excited. That’s the kind of traffic we get here at jimbeeer…

From Wiki-woo-pedia

Wolverine and the X-Men is an animated TV series that has been confirmed by Avi Arad. Little is known on when it will air. So far, most of the characters shown in a promotional image are dressed in their Astonishing X-Men and Uncanny X-Men costumes with a few slight changes. Production on the series has already begun. The first three episodes, which will air as the pilot for the series, are being written by Greg Johnson, who has contributed to several other Marvel animated features.

The series was in the preproduction stage as of April 2007 and early news had speculated the show to air in fall 2008- due to air Summer 2008 on BBC UK. However, the speculation came to a rest as according to Marvel Quartely reports, the show is scheduled to air in Spring 2009. It was also confirmed in an article by USA TODAY’s website in which it specifically mentions the cartoon starting in early 2009.

When the X-Men are unexpectedly attacked, they separate after Professor X mysteriously disappears. Jean Grey also disappears, leaving Scott distraught and broken. Rogue has joined the Brotherhood. Beast, Storm, Wolverine, and Nightcrawler are so far the only X-Men left on the team as Wolverine tries to bring them back together.

When an explosive event shatters the lives of the X-Men and takes away their mentor, the beaten heroes walk away from it all. But then they’re given a rare glimpse into the future, and see a world in utter ruin, ruled by giant destructive robots – a world that spiraled out of control because the X-Men had given up. So now the most legendary of all X-Men takes the lead: Wolverine! Reuniting these broken heroes, Wolverine embarks on the ultimate mission – to prevent the world’s destruction. To rescue us from ourselves. To save the future.

An extensive trailer for the series reveals several key moments, such as Professor Xavier and Jean Grey seemingly perishing in a psychic attack followed by a vast explosion that also destroys the mansion. Wolverine is seen recruiting old friends and students, from Beast to Iceman, but Scott Summers has become traumatized by Jean’s disappearance and is a broken, sulking heap. The Brotherhood of Mutants is also seen causing havoc, and it is revealed Rogue has joined their ranks, possibly setting the X-Men up when she encounters them again.

Got hold of this over the weekend so been playing it quite a bit over the last couple of days. I’ve drawn a curve chart of time vs enjoyment with salient points below:

1. Beginning. Running around, what the hell do I do, go talk to this bloke, go talk to that bloke, go pick up some flashy things from the beach. Well at the moment, it doesn’t look very good coz i don’t know what to do

2. 30 mins in. Ah, think i know what i’m doing, killed a few grunts, quite nice cinematics and some blood and guts flying around. Oh god, it seems like a hack and slash though and too much running around.

3. 1 hour in. Captured an area after much frustrating dying and getting sent back to the beginning, oh hang on, you can teleport through these glowy stone thingies. There’s only 2 buttons for attack, one that attacks quickly and one that doesn’t. Yawn.

4. 3 hours in. Got the hang of this now. Doesn’t seem much to it, run around capture areas, kill grunts, buy a couple of extra moves and that’s about it.

5. 5 hours in. OMFG! BIIIIIIIIG battle, i’m talking motherfucking big-ass battle like LOTR style, can see about 600 people from both sides and they’re all kicking seven shades of shit out of each other, completely surrounded by a ton of grunts so i can mash the A button and just continually waste people, this is what lotr should have been like. Yeah, bitch, take that. Now send the dragon in and waste that fucking piece of shit shaman. Actually this isn’t a bad game at all, the battles make it worthwhile. Not sure if it’s a game i’ll play to completion unless new stuff comes along it may get a bit repetitive but i’ll keep playing for the moment.

One day, all video reviews will be done like this, this is fucking funny as buggery, make sure you watch it all and it’ll certainly brighten up your otherwise dull and uneventful day:

What was the gig like Jimbo, coz i didn’t go as i’m an asshat and a cockpouch, i hear you cry.

Well, the good news was that one of the bands pulled out when they got to the venue as they were big pussies or something so we had longer to do our set, in fact we had a full hour which was more than enough and meant we could do our full set.

The bad news was that the 3 bands on before us were fucking clown-shoes. Honestly, how many screamy, growly, teenage angst, shit-ridden bands do we need in Reading? They all had the personality of a donut and the charisma of a bag of crisps. Particularly the 3rd band, Burning Down Vegas i think they were called, jeebus chris and all his little wizards, i haven’t heard a band so full of retardedness in a very long while, which was annoying coz before they started the place had a decent amount of people in there. Still we must thank them for clearing the venue for us, before them no-one could move, afterwards, didn’t have that problem in the slightest.

Actually, i’ve just had a look at their myspaz page and they’ve got gigs every week for the next few months, what the fuck are we doing wrong? Ah, quality over quantity and all that jazz.

Anyway, as usual we kicked ass, Dandan reckoned he wouldn’t get his shirt off until after 2 songs at least, he lasted halfway through the first verse of the first song. We fucked up a couple of songs but no-one seemed to care or notice. From our own perfecting standards we’ve done a lot better but from everyone elses we seemed to rock the house down so people went away happy.

Looking towards recording now so watch this space for some decent sounds.

i know i normally moan that there’s nothing to play but i’m in that rare position at the moment when i’ve actually got too many games.

At the moment i’ve got No More Heroes, Condemned 2: Bloodshot, Sega Superstars Tennis and Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 all within the space of a week. So what are they like?

No More Heroes: Fucking weird, but quite fun when you get into it.
Condemned 2: Ooh, you dirty little mongrel, actually the last post said everything needed so i won’t go into it again
Sega Superstars Tennis: Well, it’s Tennis with computer characters from other games, and they have specials. Mario Tennis anyone?
Rainbow Six Vegas 2: Pretty much more of the same but with a few extra things, haven’t played more than an hours worth so far and it feels more like an expansion pack than a genuine sequel, you can order your squad to chuck smoke grenades now, and you can shoot through boxes and whatnot, and there’s some kind of leveling thingy in it, but that seems to be about it.

It’s like a dirty skank ho that you’ve picked up from a nightclub and she’s as rough as fuck but you’re still rock-hard coz she’s giving the best blowjob in the world down the alley.

It’s like shagging your best mates 18yr old sister on her parents bed.

It’s like finding your dads porn collection when you’re a kid and having to rewind the video afterwards to the same point you found it.

It’s like enjoying chickdick porn even though you know it’s essentially a bloke with tits being shagged up the arse by another bloke.

It’s even like flipping your missus over so you can pretend she’s someone else.

It’s so wrong and it’s so dirty but it still feels sooooo right.

So concludes my review of Condemned 2: Bloodshot.