Archive for November, 2008

Unless you’ve been living under a rock and struggling with a tache that won’t stop wiggling around you’ll know that VAT goes down to 15% on Monday for 13 months. This is to help kickstart the economy back into gear. Great idea, no?

No.

Because your average trader won’t be lowering their prices to reflect the drop, they’ll be adjusting their prices accordingly so they end up charging exactly the same. I work in web development and already one company has asked that i adjust their base price on their shopping cart so it’s less vat but charge more. Consequence: we, the consumer, pay exactly the same amount and them, the trader are fucking quids in. Do you really think that something costing £19.99 today is going to be £19 after Monday?

Really?

Then you, sunshine, are fucking deluded.

And when it comes to 1st January 2010 it goes back up to 17.5%, traders are just going to add on the extra 2.5% and the economy goes into another nose dive coz everything is suddenly too expensive.

The only people who will benefit from this drop in VAT is the traders. The workers like you and me, who just earn a wage every month, we’re going to be shat on from a great height by all these greedy twats chasing after their free 2.5%.

I fucking hate this country so fucking much. If it wasn’t for family I would have left for sunnier climates long ago.

Gamerscore not what it should be? Still trying to get all the orbs on Crackdown? Bit rubbish at games. Here’s 4 games where the achievements are completely peasy to get. I’ve weeded out all the sports games, because we’re British and we don’t play bloody baseball or basketball or ice hockey. And most of us are geeks who don’t DO sport or sport related games.

King Kong:
Just finish the game and bingo, all 1000 points are up for grabs

TMNT:
A ridiculously easy game. Again just complete it to get all 1000. Completable in about 5-6 hours.

Fight Night Round 3:
Set the difficulty on Easy, turn 3 knock down TKO on , illegal punches on and autosave off, and you’ll get 100 points every time you go for a special belt. Even i’ve got 800 of these.

Cars:
A bit dull but pretty easy. Keep it on normal difficulty as you won’t get some of them on easy. Enter VROOOOM in the cheats menu for unlimited boosts, this doesn’t affect any achievements.

There you go, short, but succinct. And 4000 points just there for the taking. If you want something a bit more enjoyable the achievements for Oblivion are pretty easy but they take you about a week of solid playing to get. At least it’s going to be more enjoyable than playing Cars for 8 hours.

I tried to play Skate It last night on the Wii. Skate on the 360 is one of my favourite games ever. Put many many hours into that game and the flickit controls were just a stroke of genius.

Skate It is a different matter.

Now the gfx on the Wii leave a lot to be desired anyway and 480p on an lcd screen looks pretty wank. Especially when you’re used to nice high anti-aliased resolutions from PC and 360. So all the lines look pretty jaggedy.

On Skate It, they go one step further, the playable character looks fucking awful. The faces are awful, the clothes are shit, the animations are rancid and the environment is sterile and dull.

This is as good as it gets i'm afraid

And now we come down to the controls. Obviously you don’t have 2 analogue sticks so it’s down to the nunchuck to go left and right and the wiimote controls the ollies, nollies and manuals. It’s a nice idea but it doesn’t work. Primarily due to the fact that it’s not too responsive. I’m talking about 200 milliseconds between doing the action with your hand and that being translated on screen. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s the difference between jumping onto a ledge and smacking into it because you jumped too late.

The controls. Nice on paper. Not so great in mid-air.

So you end up swinging the remote wildly all over the shop trying to do a trick, consequently it does one jump, then another jump straight after it, then falls over coz he’s landed badly. I can’t do jumps at the end of a ramp properly as i still need to work out the delay between the motion of my hand and when it happens on screen (yes, i do realise that sets me up for a joke).

The most depressing thing is, it scored 8 out of 10 on IGN so clearly it’s as good as it’s going to get. That’s just sad.

This is the problem with the Wii.

Woo, it’s all revolutionary. Woo, it gets all the family together. Mums can play it. A household that has never bought a console before has suddenly got one of those little white boxes under their telly and this is exactly what Nintendo was trying to do.

First off, the quality of games on the Wii is just poor. MOST games on it get rated around 7 out of 10 or less. All the old licensed crap like Hannah Montana and High School Musical 3 gets churned out time after time and people like us are just left at the side twiddling our thumbs patiently.

Because of the unique style of the controllers anything multi-platform needs to remade for the Wii and it suffers. Also because the wiimote tilty-style controls are not very responsive, then the only games that work well is driving games and games where you shake the remote a lot. Plus it tends to ache your hands after a while as you have to hold the controller a certain way rather than relaxing back on the sofa holding it in a comfortable manner.

There are 3 games i can name off the top of my head that are worth playing: Mario Kart, Boom Blox and Mario Galaxy. Everything else is just shit.

It’s nice that Nintendo have decided to give out a royal fuck-you to all their users by saying they’re only concentrating on casual gamers and forgetting the hardcore gamers. Obviously the fact that most of us grew up with Nintendo, locking ourselves in bedrooms for weeks on end trying to complete Mario 3 means absolutely fuck all to them nowadays.

If you’re thinking of getting a Wii for Xmas this year so ‘all the family can play it’ in reality you’re going to get about 3 days worth of play and then have a little white dusty box under your telly for the rest of the year.

It’s a novelty and unfortunately due to Nintendo being a bunch of wankers, it’s not going to be anything more.

I’ve got the superb Mark Millar book but i haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s the bullet bending movie with ‘ex scotch fella out of Shameless’ James McAvoy and ‘baby-making not-as-fit-as-she-once-was’ Angelina Jolie in case you didn’t know.

I’m not sure how closely the movie follows the book as the main protagonist is a complete bastard who kills people left right and centre just for looking at him funny.

And the game looks to be based on the movie. Well, as long as it’s independent enough coz everyone knows that movie based games suck (just like game based movies!)

Did anyone watch Playr over the weekend?

They had a preview of Prince of Persia and gave us an in-depth look at it.

Is it just me, or does the series seem to have lost its way slightly?

For a start you only fight one baddie at once. Um, isn’t half the fun of an action game like Prince of Persia or God of War to hold off all the enemies at bay no matter how many there are? And that sense of worth you get when you’ve annihilated a massive wave is so damn gratifying. Nope, apparently the way forward is to have one baddie at a time, which makes NO sense at all and sounds like utter shit.

Boooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiing.

And then there’s the fact that you don’t die when you fuck up a jump, mrs.woman just grabs you by the arm and puts you back one pole or platform or wherever you were before you died. It’s ok Mr. Developer, i’m a big boy now, i can tie my own shoelaces and everything, I can certainly handle a death screen. Obviously the cutscene of her grabbing your arm and throwing you back a little is their version of a death screen, but i find with games the less you’re penalised, the less you care about trying to stay alive and will happily just jump all over the shop rather than carefully surveying your route. Mirror’s Edge for example is good for this. You really don’t want to miss a jump coz it’s really unpleasant falling all that way, and it’s just so deflating. Consequently you try harder and you concentrate more, the payoff when you succeed is so much greater.

Even the cell-shaded gfx bring out a distinct meh from me, it’s not novel or original and to be honest, it’s been done to death. I’d rather have finely details characters rather than a big fat black line around everyone, and i’m not that keen on having some silly tart in tow throughout the entire game.

And what the hell’s all this ceiling running crap? The best thing about the Prince is that he’s Lara Croft but fitter, faster and stronger. The acrobatics he did firmly stayed in the real world. He could only wallrun for so long, if he didn’t make it to a ledge perfectly his leg would slip momentarily.

Seriously, how the fuck could you make this distance in real life. Load of old honk if you ask me.

Better tell Scotty that apparently you CAN break the laws of physics. Even getting your bird you catch you in mid air and throw you over to the next wooden strut. Wha’?

Oh hang on, she’s MAGICAL! Well that’s alright then isn’t it?

Of course, all of this moaning is completely moot as i’ll still get it, but i’m going in there with extreme trepidation rather than bounding in with both feet like I normally do with the PoP games.

Been up at me mates for the weekend and we had a go of split screen left 4 dead. I must say, it’s so much better playing the game with someone else. It’s actually quite exciting, especially when you get the end of scenario battles coz you can actually coordinate like proper people.

So i guess it strengthens my first opinions of this game. Bit rubbish if you’re going to play it alone. But actually quite good fun if you’re playing it with a mate, whether split screen or online. As long as you can speak to them.

In case you’re on the fence with this i thought i’d take the chance to let know you know why Rock Band 2 kicks the arse out of Guitar Hero: World Tour over and over again.

Rock Band 2 has a truly awesome tracklist, here’s some of the songs featuring:

Ace of Spades – Motorhead
Alive – Pearl Jam
Chop Suey! – System of a Down
Give It Away – Chilli’s
Master Exploder – The Mighty D
Pinball Wizard – The Who
Psycho Killer – Talking Heads
Spoonman – Soundgarden
White Wedding – Billy Idol

Now let’s look at some of the songs on GHWT:

Band on the Run – Wings
Beat It – Michael Jackson
Hotel California – The Eagles
The Joker – Steve Miller Band
La Bamba – Los Lobos
On the Road Again – Willie Nelson
Shiver – Coldplay
Up Around the Bend – Creedence Clearwater Revival

Now i don’t know about you, but i don’t want to play along to bloody La Bamba and Hotel California. I want to rock out, metal style. I mean, Willie Nelson? what the fuck!

Rock Band 2 has the coolest simplest idea ever made. Go into extras and you can turn on ‘Never Fail’, that way you wont ever crash out of a song when you’re failing it. There’s nothing worse than having to do the same sodding song over and over again that you can’t do before you can progress.

A lovely little addition (that people did actually moan about with the first one) is you can port characters over from guitar to drums so when you do swap around you don’t have to create a new char and call it something else (On the first game i’ve got Jim, Jimbo and Jimbeeer!). Plus you can carry on the same career and swap around instruments all you like without having to start again. Proper Bo in my books!

And then it’s just the little things. The band animations in RB2 just look so alive, the singers jumping around and punching the air at salient moments. There’s different filters on the screen and the sets are awesome. And when the song is finished they all cheer for each other and for the audience.

In GHWT they all just kinda stand there doing what they should do but they have invisible rods shoved up their arse attaching them to the ground. Then, when they’ve finished they all applaud whatever character you were playing and do the ‘We’re not worthy’ crap.

Eh?

The idea is, you’re part of a band. It’s not just about you. When we did our gig last Saturday i didn’t expect the other guys to turn around and applaud just me when we finished a song. I was one of five and i put in no more or less than everyone else did. It’s just utter crap.

One annoying thing about GHWT is, because i already have the instruments for Rock Band, i’m not gonna fork out another ton on a new guitar and drum kit. Now, it’s perfectly compatible with my drum kit but it just doesn’t feel the same. It’s ‘compatible’, but it’s not ‘made for’ if you get what i’m trying to say, like the crashes are in the middle pads rather than on the right and the soloing buttons on the guitar don’t work without strumming.

If you don’t believe me, then check out the reviews for both, GHWT gets an 8 and RB2 gets a 9, there’s a reason for that, believe me.

Bottom line: Rock Band 2 is really good and Guitar Hero: World Tour, well, isn’t. If you want to boil it down to one simple component, then it’s the tracklist.

If anyone watches GMTV in the mornings they would have seen the cutting-edge advert for Costcutter.

You know, the one that Sue Pollard does the voice-over for and the silly bitch in the bath goes ‘ShampOOOOO’, then the Ray Von lookalike pops up out of the wash basket handing her some. Then that stupid fucking inbred little wanker goes ‘Mam, have we got any CRISPS?’, etc.

I fucking hate this advert. Not just because it’s a big pile of shit with the country’s worst actors. It’s that even in 2008 they’re still pulling the oldest advertising trick in the book. If you want to advertise something as cheap then use Northerners, if you want to advertise class then use Southerners and never the twain shall meet. You’re never going to have John Thompson advertising Audi or aftershave. Similarly you’ll never have Joanna Lumley shopping at Iceland.

In case you don’t know I’m originally from oop north. Born in Yorkshire, moved to Lancashire when i was 11, when to Uni in the midlands and moved down south in 2000. And this stupid frigging divide that still exists so strongly in the minds of lazy, ignorant advertisers just gets on my tits.

I just though i’d bring that to your attention so when you do watch any telly this weekend you’ll notice how true it really is.

/rant

Here’s a good recollection by one of the people who certainly lived in the moment; Krist Novoselic.

He currently blogs for the Seattle Weekly and this week he tells us the real story behind the 1992 MTV VMA’s.

http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/2008/11/what_really_happened_at_the_19.php

and then, if you haven’t seen it, you want to watch the video of the actual gig

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Cr_XGnbsLZw

It appears they have broken tradition for a day and have posted a news headline of “Cannabis ‘could stop demetia in it’s tracks’”.

So scientists have found yet ANOTHER positive attribute of the ‘evil’ miracle wonder-plant.

so let’s see:

Alcohol:

• Addictive
• Toxic
• Death toll in the millions
• A&E is full of alcohol related injuries every single night including results of domestic and street violence
• Gives you a killer hangover the morning after as it destroys brain-cells, lowers your sugar levels and makes you dehydrated
• Destroys the liver
• Legal and cheap

Cannabis:

• None addictive
• Non toxic
• Death toll in the zeros, as in no recorded deaths from weed, ever.
• Living rooms are full of cannabis-related jollities every single night including results of corn or potato based crisp consummation
• Effects wears off with no side-effects other than guilt for finishing off a whole tube of pringles
• Enlightens the mind and makes the face ache from laughing
• Can aid against dementia, eases against the effects from chemotherapy, muscular relaxant, eases the pain from rheumatoid arthritis, improves sleep quality, relaxes against stress and eases against nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea associated with HIV illness and therapy.
• It’s illegal and carries a custodial sentence for possession or dealing
• Because it’s illegal it’s not regulated or taxed and all that money is just going into the pockets of ne’er do wells and rapscallions.

The bottom line:

Ban alcohol and make cannabis legal. It really is that simple.

p.s. Did you know that Barack Obama is a proponent of Cannabis!

Thank you. I’ve been Peter Griffin and you’ve been watching Grinds my Gears.