Fuck Off Forever, Frank

Finally..
Finally, finally, finally…Proof that third time is the shittest one of the lot.

Raah, Grrr, Punisher Smash, er, Shoot with Gun. Raah

The Punisher always seemed like a cool character to watch and when the first one came out I had never read any of the comic book being still on The Beano.

In 1989, I remember that the first movie wasn’t too bad. But I haven’t seen it since then so it’s probably a bag of shite now.

And all the reviewers seem to slag it off, so I should hate it as well. Although i really don’t remember hating it that much.

Cut to 2004…I’d long ago found the bloody wicked website Superherohype.com and had been watching the development of the Punisher Reboot closely..

*Hoping* they were gonna do it justice…

I quite enjoyed it. I even watched it twice. John Travolta hammed it up as the villain and Thomas Jane was a good enough actor to pull off the emotional turbulence the character is exhibiting. Everyone else seemed to hate it so I was a bit quieter in my vocal approval of this particular movie.

Cut to yesterday afternoon…

I’d deliberatly ignored 80% of the development of Punisher War Zone because i didn’t care too much. It looked like a shitty tv movie.

I didn’t care about Ray Stevenson as Frank as I didn’t know who the hell he was.

Wayne Knight as Micro!? Never heard of the character so I can’t comment.

Hmm, I thought… I wonder what other Marvel movies are being produced coz this one looks like a bit of a cockpouch.

Putting in Looney Bin Jim and Jigsaw as the villains… This also brought about a state of indifference as Jigsaw is a bit of a rubbish villain who’s superpower seems to be scaring children.

And you know what?

It’s a festering, tedious embarrassing crap-fest of a movie.

It’s exactly what you would expect, an excessively violent movie than relies on the shock of watching a guy getting his face caved in when he gets punched to cover over the REALLY shit storyline, the characters you don’t care about, the hero you can’t empathise or connect with, the clichéd spanner copper who’s The Punishers mate, the stupid tart ‘love interest’ with the IQ of a carrot dragging along the obligatory cute daughter saying obligatory cute things and giving off obligatory cute puppy dog eyes coz she’s so fucking innocent. And her innocence has all the subtlety of a Rhinoceros horn up the arse.

Punisher: Raahh, I’m big and hard and that, I’ll kill anyone who moves and while i’m killing you slowly I’ll make a face like you just farted and it stinks. I have no heart, watch why in this flashback. Didn’t get it, don’t worry, I’ll tell you about it over and over and over again throughout the entire fucking movie.

Little Girl: I’m innocent during all this bloodshed and despite you killing my father by accident, then watching you kill dozens of other people in truly violent and bloody ways, i don’t need years of therapy, I haven’t become withdrawn and I still want to hold your hand, you know, like ALL the fucking time.

Punisher: Raahh, die die die motherfuckers. Stab, twist, kill. Bang bang, your dead. RAAAAAHHHH. Oh you’re holding my hand. My heart has just grown 3 times larger.

The film is so frigging clichéd that they’re even tied to a post later on with 2 pieces of that thick rope they use to cordon off areas in theatres. All they have to do is cough and it’ll fall off. Of course they don’t and they just wriggle a little bit every now and then to illustrate to us that, yes, they’re definitely tied up and they definitely can’t move.

If Jigsaw really was a bad motherfucker, and Looney Bin Jim was actually insane and not just Horace off Lost talking in some weird slow faux-brooklyn accent, then they would have most likely mutilated and raped both mother and daughter several times already.

But no, no, this is violence with a heart and they’re sat there quite comfortably remembering to struggle even though the mother is wearing the obligatory cotton dress.

Julie Benz - a victim in Dexter, a victim in Rambo 4, guess what type of person she plays in this movie.

Ray Stevenson brings all the charisma of a cabbage to the role and doesn’t actually speak until 20 fucking minutes into the film.

It’s truly fucking shite.

If it wasn’t The Punisher (which it could EASILY not be) it would be relegated straight to dvd and sold for a fiver in HMV 6 months later, which it probably will be anyway.

The violence is extremely over the top, it’s not quite ‘Story of Ricky’ but it’s close. Some of the effects are ropier than a bag of rope tied up with rope on the end of some rope. Wayne Knight is as pointless as a broken pencil and only serves as either a. to deliver to us a humane side to The Punisher or b. another fucking patsy.

Spoiler: He gets killed at the end. It’s obvious he’s going to get killed at the end during 5 minutes of him being on the screen. You won’t give a shit.

Here’s the story: Hero facially disfigures mob guy in a vat of something, mob guy gets bandages removed, looks weird. Mob guy declares his old name is dead, should be called something more suited to his appearance. Mob guy kidnaps girl as leverage. Mob guy has goons. Goons get killed. Mob guy gets killed. Girl gets saved.

Oh hang on, that’s the 1989 movie ‘Batman’ by Tim Burton…

No, it was Punisher: War Zone as well. That’s how fucking lazy the film is.

In short, I found scratching my arse to be more entertaining than this predictable piece of honky tonk crap.