An Adults Guide to Twilight

We all know it’s a load of teenage bollocks, but I’ve thrown myself on the fire and watched the first movie. All in the name of telling you what the bloody hell these hormonal silly cows are squealing about.

So what does a movie aimed at teenage girls do for a 36 year old male?

Well fuck all is the quick answer.

The story is about as original as a kick in the knackers: Girl moves to a new town, fall in love with the local emo outcast, who turns out to be a vampire. They fall in love during lunch break, like teenagers do. Member of opposing werewolf clan gets a sniff and wants some of that, fight ensues, vampire wins. Everyone learns something. The end.

It’s The Lost Boys for today’s generation. But with no style, action, gore, humour, storyline or quality acting.

The movie has been praised for concentrating on the character development, rather than flashy effects. This means the effects are utter shite and the reliance on piss-poor wire work is high on the agenda.

The fast running through the woods is reminiscent of a young Clark Kent running past the train in Superman: The Movie. Except a bit shitter. Same with climbing up endless trees or jumping between them which is unnecessarily regular.

But enough about the effects, what are the characters like?

We’ll go through them:

• Isobella Swan – The protagonist of the movie and a stupid spoiled whore. She has everything handed to her on a plate but still she bitches and acts annoyed that the entire world hasn’t bent over backwards to accommodate. She arrives at a new school and gets welcomed into the arms of everyone without even being remotely likeable at any point. She’s moody, she’s stroppy, she’s ungrateful and just plain annoying.
• Edward Cullen – The heartthrob of the movie and target of affection for above silly hormonal bitch. He’s a character taken straight from ‘How to be an emo outcast’. Throughout the first hour he mopes his way through, doing that little bad boy loner act that turns girls under 20 into a fly around a turd.

  At every available point he tells her to stay away or that she should be afraid.Of course being a stupid spoiled whore who does anything she fucking wants, she doesn’t take a blind bit of notice. Only about halfway through the film does his medication kick in and he’s a happy chappie laughing and joking with all and sundry.

  Even though he’s over 100 years old he still completely acts like a 17 year old. I presume because he clearly likes the younger ladies, much younger ladies. Obviously becoming a vampire turns you into a bit of a kiddy fiddler.

• Jacob Black – An Indian lad (as in Red, not West) with a really silly wig. Completely pointless for this film. Serves only as a character basis setup for the next film.
• Charlie Swan – Bella’s dad. Wiggly moustache. Kept expecting him to get killed. He doesn’t.
• Carlisle - The guy who turned Edward into an emo vampire and playing his adopted dad. Serves no purpose.
• James - Blonde, ponytail, white tunic shirt, werewolf. Doesn’t really turn up until way past the first hour. Turns out he’s the main antagonist and he’s a real bad baddie. Not really scary, unless you get terrified of people looking through their eyebrows and opening their mouth a lot.
• The rest – Only there to serve as weird chirpy secondary characters who are either mates to Bella or family to Edward. Either way they don’t have enough screen time to actually make us give a shit. The friends are unashamedly stolen from generic school-based tv shows.

If this movie was a tv series then it would have worked well. But as a film it’s just flaccid. It’s too slow to get started, and when it does there’s very little action.

Instead, it’s full to the brim with irritating teenage hormones, lingering shots of them looking lustfully at each other and the worst wire-work I’ve seen in a long while.

Do you ever remember the adult entertainment industry trying to make ‘Porn for Women‘. Where they attempted to make it tasteful and actually have a storyline and everything.

It was utter shit wasn’t it?

Well, this is a drama/action movie for girls. Heavy on the drama and light on the action. There’s rarely a shot without Bella in it. I wouldn’t mind so much but she’s just a living equivalent of a Bratz doll. But she’s still what all young teenage girls aspire to be; strong and confident, or some bullshit like that.

But it’s not just the characters and effects I had a problem with.

Best bit of the movie. But only coz he looks exactly like Cassidy from Preacher.

It’s when it starts to make up its own rules regarding vampires. These vampires don’t have the classic fangs, they can go out in the sunlight even though they go all glittery for no explained reason, and they don’t sleep at all. They can also run much faster than a car without getting out of breath, yet they still insist on driving around everywhere, the lazy shites.

So they’re not really vampires then are they? Other than drinking blood there’s fuck all else in common. It all just seems to be for the convenience of the movie; A movie that doesn’t actually seem to go anywhere other than to serve as an opening prologue for a Harry Potter style franchise.

It’s not a terrible movie, it’s just unoriginal and a bit dull. I can see why the girls love it so much but it’s just not intelligent enough to work on two levels like the best kids films. It’s from the teenagers pov and nothing else. We don’t know what anyone else is feeling at any point so we either empathise with Bella or, well, we can fuck right off cos there’s nothing else.

Maybe New Moon is better…