Further Things I Hate

It’s been a while since I did one of these and they seem to be quite popular so here’s a bunch of other things that get right up my fucking nose.

#1 Middle Aged Women Drivers

Fucking hell, they dither.

Voice of an angel, face of a harridan. But imagine her behind the wheel. Jesus.

Apart from old people driving these are the next most annoying. I was behind one of them this morning in a Fiesta. She insisted on fully stopping at every roundabout and waiting until there were no cars in sight before proceeding. Didn’t matter that other cars on the right junction were in the left lane, leaning left and with their left indicator on turning left, nope she had to make sure in her own head that they weren’t going to go forward.

They’re not necessarily the weaving about 20mph dangerous bastards that old people are. They just fucking dawdle and bugger about. I’ll wager that you will say ‘Come oonnnnnn‘ to middle aged women drivers more than any other type.

They always pull out in front of you and then insist on going 5mph underneath the speed limit. There’s always a tailback behind them that they don’t care about and they’re always on their own (no-one else will get in the car with them if they want to be on time). They have zero confidence behind the wheel and it’s statistically proven that they can’t park a car in under 4 minutes.

What is with women that once they reach 40? Something just triggers in their brain that makes them drive like someone who passed their test last week.

#2 Fourteen Year Olds

Teenagers in general just get on my nerves with their not washing, egotistical brains and inane prattle. But the worst time is when they’re 14. I’ve never heard so much bullshit spew out of a mouth of someone who clearly knows so little.

Obviously it’s rubbish for them. They get treated like a child when they feel like an adult. But believe me, boys and girls, it’s for your own protection.

Let me just tell you this you dumb bastards, and listen carefully…

You know fuck all.

You think you know everything but you really don’t. Your worldly views are so skewed it’s disturbing. No we’re not jealous and yes, we do understand.

We’ve been there, we’ve worn the same clothes you feel so original in, it wasn’t so long ago and I know you think we’re ancient and past it but we all remember it vividly.

You stink because you don’t wash and you don’t change your clothes and yes, girls will think you stink as well.

This bit’s important and I know it sounds crazy, but girls, you can get pregnant from your first time. How stupid are you? Seriously.

Ha ha, you've ruined your life, ha ha.

Your attitude sucks, a grunt isn’t enough of a response and the world does not revolve around you, you lazy little shit. Your opinions aren’t important to anyone other than your mates. And if you leave school with nothing it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to make it big.

#3 Hip-Hop/R’n'B

Your hat's on wonky mate. No, honest it is. Makes you look a bit simple to tell the truth.

It’s all shite isn’t it?

Just as Special Brew is specifically developed for tramps and drunks. Hip-Hop and R’n'B is specifically developed for black people. There’s just something creepy about middle class white people listening to Hip-Hop.

And it really does sound like a cat being slowly drowned in a bucket of spunk.

I’ve always hated it all my life. And the people I’ve met who listen to it always seem to fall into the ‘tosser’ category. I guess it teaches you not to give a shit about anyone else but at the same time the ability to make love all night long, which, let’s face it, would get really boring and a bit sore after an hour.

#4 People who aren’t competitive

A very funny guy. And there's nothing wrong with having passion on a subject.

Being a gamer it’s a given that I’m ultra-competitive. I don’t really mind casual gamers. But people that have no desire to win at all are complete retards. How can you not want to be good at something? I know that being good at a game won’t change your life but winning or completing something is a lovely feeling, honestly. Plus it’s a clear reflection on your life.

Who the hell can go through life content being mediocre at everything? How can you have no passion or desire to be better than you currently are? And with that, how do you expect to progress through life? You don’t? Oh right, ok…

I read a quote in a comic book the other night: ‘There isn’t a single person at the top who didn’t feel like he deserved to be there’. And it’s absolutely true. All those people will be incredibly competitive, not only with others but with themselves as well.

Could you seriously imagine Peter Jones or Duncan Bannatyne letting their kids beat them at anything?

Not a chance, those kids will have to work for it if they want to win.

#5 Cats

Nasty horrible little shits.

Let's see you scratch me with a boot up your arse you little fucker.

Cats are for mad single women, no-one else.

Any male who owns a cat is just plain weird. There’s no such things as a ‘cat person‘ if you’re male. You’re either a dog person or you’re nothing, stop being such a fucking pansy.

Cats are not and should not be domesticated. Cats are wild, they only come back to you to be fed, watered and somewhere to sleep during the day, after you’ve had your use, well, fuck you until tomorrow.

They’re conceited arrogant little fuckers who’s only purpose is to be photocopied or appear on YouTube falling off something.

Some of the stupid things cat owners say:

– My cat thinks he’s a dog. No it doesn’t, it’s a cat. It’ll walk around like a cat, eat catfood, go out at night and sleep during the day, walk on top of fences and shake its tail when it’s pissing in your neighbours garden. It’s a fucking cat, it’s not a dog.

- My cat’s got loads of personality. No it hasn’t. It’s just a cat. It does exactly the same thing that every other cat does. Eat, shit and sleep. If it comes and meets you at the door when you walk in it’s because it wants feeding. It doesn’t give a shit about you, get used to it. It only sits on your lap because it’s warm and you’ll stroke it.

- They don’t take much looking after. Well, what’s the fucking point of having a pet then, you lazy bastard? Either get a proper pet or don’t bother. Anything but a fucking cat. Foul, horrible guardians of the underworld.

You’ve never heard of a mad dog lady have you?

That’s because only mad people get a cat…